Ability to swim in a sea of third parties

ShinShinohara: I think one of the main goals of parenting is to “develop the ability to swim in the third-party ocean”. One day, parents will pass away. I want them to live robustly even after they are gone. That is the wish of parents. However, parents can never be strangers or third parties. Even if you tell your children to think of their parents as strangers, their fathers are their fathers and their mothers are their mothers.

• ShinShinohara: Parents who have been with a child from the time they change diapers are different from a third party who is a stranger. The child will be confused by a third party who does not react in the same way as the parent. And parents can do little to teach their children how to deal with a third party. The child has no choice but to learn on its own. Parents can only pray.

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ShinShinohara: When I was asked to write a book on parenting, my editor suggested, “How about the title, Parenting is 90% Parenting?” I said, “That’s impossible. I said, “That’s crazy. I think parents can do at most 30 to 40% of the work in child-rearing,” he replied. He seemed surprised at the smallness of my estimate.

ShinShinohara: but I still believe this to be true. Children have individuality to begin with. Also, once they enter school life, they interact with a variety of people, and from there, the child still has a lot to learn. Parents can only do at most 30-40% of what they can do for their children. However, it is very important because it is the foundation of the pyramid.

ShinShinohara: I don’t really use the word “talent” because I don’t really understand it, but I think “taste” is a part of being born with it. I don’t use the word “talent” very often, but I think that “taste” is something you are born with. My son has had a strong interest in the structure of things, and in things graphic, since he was a baby. My daughter, on the other hand, seemed to have a better intuition for figures than my son, but she was less interested in them.

ShinShinohara: My son misjudged the toy floating in the bath, and for a while there was a scene where he put it on his fingertips and rather kept it away. My daughter has good intuition in this area and was able to grab it suddenly without showing such a scene. I have a feeling that my daughter was born with better intuition in terms of figure. However, I am not so sure.

ShinShinohara: My son seemed to be interested in all those failures, and repeatedly observed for about 30 minutes why the protruding part went up and down when he turned the doorknob. He spent about half an hour repeatedly observing why the protruding part of the doorknob would move in and out when the doorknob was turned. He was also very interested in studying the mechanism that prevents the door from opening when it is closed. I had to hold him the whole time.

ShinShinohara: My daughter seems to have excellent intuition to see how it works and suddenly makes it work. Moreover, she suddenly goes into “use”. My son is interested in the mechanism, and only after he is convinced does he start “using” it, but my daughter starts “using” it right away. However, since the son’s interest is not so strong, in the end, the son is superior in terms of “taste” in terms of graphic sense.

ShinShinohara: my daughter seems to be very interested in “human figure” and created doll play early on. My wife and I never taught her such a thing, but she started playing mamagoto. She loves Sumikko Gurashi, and to build that house, she assembled Legos. It was really beautifully done. However, it is just a “use” for mommy’s game. She is not interested in the mechanism.

ShinShinohara: When “tastes” are so different, the ability to grow is also different. My son is interested in the mechanics of things, and my daughter is interested in coordinating furnishings to further enrich her mom’s life. They both like to build structures with Legos and such, but their approaches are completely different. I think it’s interesting.

ShinShinohara: I think one of the main goals of parenting is to develop the ability to swim in a sea of third parties. One day, parents will pass away. We want them to live robustly even after they are gone. That is the wish of parents. However, parents can never be strangers or third parties. Even if you tell your children to think of their parents as strangers, their father is their father and their mother is their mother.

ShinShinohara: Parents who have been with a child from the time they change diapers are different from a third party who is a stranger. The child will be confused by a third party who does not react in the same way as the parent. And parents can do little to teach their children how to deal with a third party. The child has no choice but to learn on its own. Parents can only pray.

ShinShinohara: Considering all this, parents can only do 30-40% at most for their children. The remaining 60-70% is up to the children themselves to deal with on their own. Parents can do little more than pray. Please pray that they will acquire the ability to swim in the sea of third parties.

ShinShinohara: So the parenting books I have written only cover 30-40% of parenting. I don’t write about the remaining 60-70%, the areas that parents can’t touch. Please do not read my parenting books and think that they contain everything about parenting. Unfortunately, it is only limited to what parents can do.

ShinShinohara []:](https://twitter.com/ShinShinohara/status/1457218458689552384) I discussed with my editor that I wanted to write a parenting book about 60-70% of the things that parents can’t do, but since the space was limited, we decided to limit the book to “things parents can do. However, due to the limited space, we decided to write a parenting book limited to “what parents can do. This is briefly mentioned in the afterword. I would like to share with you that it is necessary to have a third party other than the parents to raise the children.

ShinShinohara: just a few things parents can do for their children in response to the “sea of third parties”. Apologize, be grateful, be surprised. Mr. YouMe and I had many discussions about parenting, during which we confirmed to each other that if we caused any inconvenience, we would bow down to each other as parents as often as possible.

ShinShinohara: children are naturally immature. Because they are immature, they will fail a lot. They will fail and cause trouble. But there are things you can’t learn without making mistakes. There are things that cannot be changed without regret. Therefore, I discussed with YouMe that we should bow down as many times as we can as parents, assuming that we will cause trouble.

ShinShinohara: neither YouMe nor I want to be told that we are great parents. Satisfying our own vanity is out of the question. If my children can learn and grow, then making mistakes is unavoidable. However, if it causes inconvenience to a third party, I apologize anyway. I am sorry for the inconvenience, as many times as it takes.

ShinShinohara: and thank you. Because of the immaturity of our children, we will be inconvenienced by many people. We have a lot of things to take care of. So be thankful. Thank you for receiving my child with generosity and hawkishness. Thank you for caring for my child.

ShinShinohara: Parents apologizing and being thankful is a good opportunity to increase the number of adults and children who will be on their side when their children dive into the “sea of third parties” full of strangers. It is an opportunity to increase the number of adults and children who will be their allies when their children jump into the “sea of strangers”. A parent can say, “Thank you for playing with my child,” or “I’m sorry about my child, but please keep playing with him. But please keep playing with him.”

ShinShinohara: and to be “surprised”. I had heard of “park debuts” before I was married, and I was defensive. I had heard that when the baby’s head was sitting up and we started going out to the park to play, if I didn’t fit in with the group of moms, I would have to suffer the solitude of being alone in the sandbox with my child for a long time. However.

ShinShinohara: YouMe easily made her “park debut” and chatted smilingly with her mommy friends at the park. Even when I dropped by a park in Osaka, where my conscience resides, she immediately started chatting amiably with other mothers, even though she was a stranger to them all. I was surprised and observed YouMe. Then.

ShinShinohara: When YouMe arrived at the park, she said to her son (then a baby), “Wow, that brother is fast! Boom!” He was so amazed that he said to himself, “Wow, that big sister is amazing, she’s hopping up and down the cloud ladder! Then, these children would hustle more and more, appealing, “Look! and appealed to them.

ShinShinohara: YouMe is amazed in the way she talks to her son, “Wow, wow! Hey, that’s great!” and amazed in the form of talking to her son. Eventually, these kids would say, “Hey, is that your kid your auntie’s kid?” YouMe says, “Yes, he is. Can you play with her? YouMe replied, “Yes! She was always there to take care of my son.

YouMe was surprised to see her child play with her and said, “You are such a sweet big brother and big sister. The mother was surprised to see such a side of her own child, and was so happy that she and YouMe enjoyed talking with her. I rolled my tongue.

ShinShinohara: Well, it is good to be “surprised” to bring out the good in strangers! A child running fast, a child skillfully moving up a cloud ladder, a child sliding down a slide. If you surprise them, they will hustle and show you, “I can do this too! and show them how they can do it. If you surprise them, they will feel closer to you.

ShinShinohara: When people feel a sense of familiarity, it becomes natural for them to want to do what makes this lady happy and take care of their children. When a parent who is surprised by their child taking care of another child comes up to them and is amazed at the wonderful child YouMe is, the parent also feels a sense of familiarity with YouMe. The “surprise” becomes the starting point, and a virtuous cycle begins.

ShinShinohara: When you are “surprised” by the performance of others and their favoritism, a third party, who was a stranger to you, will take a liking to you and take care of you without any hesitation. They will be surprised by the performance of others and will take care of them. Surprise” is a way of being open to the other person’s strengths, growth, and discoveries because it demonstrates an openness of heart and mind. Surprise” is one of the magic tricks to win the favor of a third party.

ShinShinohara: Apologize, thank, and be surprised. These are three things parents can do to curry a little favor with a third party, a stranger. They can open the way for their children just a little bit more, just a little bit more. They can also teach their children, firsthand, that apologizing, thanking, and being surprised are the power of connecting with a third party.

ShinShinohara: Parents can only do so much. The rest is up to the children themselves. Parents can only watch and pray for them. It is a mistake to think that parents can do everything for their children. We must also receive favors from third parties who are strangers to us. Please take care of my child.

ShinShinohara: summarized. To apologize, to be grateful, to be amazed.

• To apologize, to be grateful, to be surprised｜shinshinohara｜note

ShinShinohara: It seems that many of you are responding to “90% parenting”. However, before I wrote my parenting book, there were strong arguments similar to that. The editor pointed out that I was able to bring awareness to this issue, and after that, public opinion gradually changed as I repeatedly emphasized how important a third party is and appealed to people other than myself.

ShinShinohara: When I was writing my parenting book, the issue of one-parenting was just becoming a hot topic. The harshness of raising a baby alone came under close scrutiny. There was even an NHK special called “Moms in a State of Emergency! NHK’s special feature “Moms in an Emergency!” gradually spread the idea that it is impossible to raise a child alone.

ShinShinohara: It was around this time that Inohara aka Inochi suggested the “chick switch” on “Asaichi”. While riding on a train, a baby cries out and people on the train click their tongues. The mother is desperate to get her baby to stop crying. Mr. Inohara suggested that a switch that cries “piyo piyo” could be used to tell the baby that she is not bothered.

ShinShinohara: I was also thinking about the importance of “third-party parenting assistance”. I was trying to convey the importance of “third-party parenting assistance” somehow, when I came across the following story on Twitter. The following story was very popular when I mentioned that strangers have become nothing more than “background” and how effective third-party parenting assistance can be. corobuzz.com/archives/141255

ShinShinohara: By emphasizing how much support is needed to raise children, the social atmosphere changed and the perception that “parents are 90%” receded. This has led to a retreat from the “parents are 90%” viewpoint. Changing public opinion inevitably takes time, and the understanding of many people is essential.

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